A pornographic attitude
When I went to the uni library one saturday afternoon a few months ago, he googled “kate winslet nude” and masturbated to the image results.
I didn’t know about that when we went to see a movie that night. After the movie, I was feeling emotional. (I can’t remember what the movie was, but I remember that the characters in the movie got divorced.) I was scared and felt that by the time we have been married a little longer, we will have drifted very far apart. I told him that I felt we needed to make sure we stayed honest to eachother or else we’d end up miserably married, or divorced.
That’s when he admitted to masturbating to naked pictures of kate winslet he’d googled.
I’ll never be able to see a movie with kate winslet again without thinking about him wanking while looking at her. I think it feels worse, because he wanted pictures of a particular woman. It also hurts me alot more because he is interested in sex, and does want sex, just not with me.
At that same time he admitted to masturbating to underwear catalogues and watching and re-watching sex scenes in movies to masturbate to, and masturbating when he saw the woman across the road and thought she was hot and other things that I can’t think of at the moment. I think it hurts me so much because he has a pornographic attitude to sex and what turns him on. He would rather masturbate while looking and thinking about other women than have sex with his wife.
I also feel like his pornographic attitude to sex means that I cannot please him, I cannot turn him on, I cannot compete with a porn model or a naked famous actress.
Your spouse sounds like he may have an issue with porn addiction. Many other women unfortunately have had to deal with the awful consequences that pornography has had on their spouse:
A Laptop Never Says No: Online porn is changing (read “destroying”) relationships:
http://nymag.com/nymetro/nightlife/sex/columns/mating/12044/
Porn is a huge cause of divorce. Countless articles have been written about the negative consequences of porn on relationships, but when will men start listening? If your spouse refuses to get help for his problem, consider whether this is something you really want to deal with for the rest of your marriage.
Thanks for the link Le Chat Noir,
We got a course about tackling this, and my husband is going through it.
I feel so sad, like the article mentioned – I can’t believe that my husband would rather masturbate with images of other women than have real sex with me. I just find it so hard to believe. And it feels hopeless that this is almost normal – so many men are caught in this problem, with the internet making it so available. It seems like they don’t even necessarily see it as a problem, even if it is ruining their marriage!
Since your looking for answers…some from a hubby that wanks. I would rather make love to my wife but she is unwilling to play even the smallest of fantasies. Men are visual while women are emotional. There is a HUGE disconnect there. There have been times that I have made love to my wife. Then an hour later wanked in the office to pics of other people online. Also, mens drive and womens are also WAY off. Women have to be in the right mood most of the time. Men just have to be there.
So, dont be to hard on yourself. One way to figure it out is this. Make love to him, around the house, in the garage, make it exciting. Dress up, be sexier then you ever have before. Do this daily for about 3 – 4 days. At the end of that time he will be worn out and not look to wank at anything else. I have noticed this in myself personally. The amount of my hornyness drops to a level that is managable for me as well. I dont wank and the wife gets a few days from me.
Also, at least for me. My drive is so high that it really does bother me. To a point where it feels like a burden that I cant shake off. Ask your husband of this. See if he feels the same way.
Good Luck
Thanks for your comments Frustrated Hubby,
It seems to be a different problem that we have in our marriage. My husband doesn’t like sex, and doesn’t want to have it with me. It doesn’t matter how I try to seduce him, and it doesn’t matter how sexy I try to be, he still doesn’t want it, and in fact trying to be sexy for him just disappoints me more, makes me feel even less desirable. He doesn’t have any fantasies that I can fulfil, his fantasy is to make love to a non-living image. If the real porn model was with him in real life, he wouldn’t like making love to her. He prefers masturbation, and even then, he just has no sex drive at all.
I think I have the opposite problem to you because he has very little sex drive that is satisfied by masturbation once a week or so, whereas I feel like making love with him every day. I think he is like you describe women as having to “be in the mood”, and I think I am more like the stereotypical man you describe who wants it whenever it is on offer. I would like to make love with him whenever he wanted to (but he never wants to.)
He wont let himself be seduced. If he doesn’t feel like it, then he wont even open himself to the possibility of being seduced. He refuses to kiss me passionately, and wont let me stroke him in any way that he feels like I’m trying to seduce him. He makes it impossible for us to ever make love. I feel like if he ever does feel desire (only like once or twice a week) he masturbates, or leaves it so long that he masturbates in his sleep. And if he doesn’t have desire, he wont let me seduce him.
Hi, I found your blog on “fastest growing wordpress”.
Couldn’t help but wonder if there is any connection between what happened to you on your wedding night and his refusal to approach you now. Could it be he is just as afraid of hurting you or letting you down as you are with him?
The fact that the two of you seem to be able to talk about it makes me think he’s probably an allright guy. Trust me, loads of men masturbate. Its the old “they are either wankers or liars”.
Have the two of you tried to back off from full on sex and just try and get back some intimacy? You know, a back rub, a bath together, see if maybe taking the pressure off helps it to just happen.
The other thought I had was, did you both not have sex before marriage becuase of religeous reasons?” Sometimes we can be so indoctrinated to see sex as something worng or dirty and that lingers. If so, is there a pastor or religeous person you can broach the subject with?
I wish you both the very best. Sex is a sublime beautiful act and it would be a such a shame for you both not to experience that.
=HUGS=
Hi puddle jumper, yes I’m sure there is a connection between not wanting sex to hurt or be a let down. And yes we have tried to back down and not have sex and just build intimacy. It seemed to be going well a couple of weeks ago, we were talking more, and spending more time just cuddling and being close, but at the moment we are struggling to be close again and arguing.
And yes, it was because of religious beliefs that we didn’t have sex before we married. I think that is probably a pretty big cause of us not being able to work out these issues. It seems like my husband would like it if we never had sex again. It seems like he is frustrated with me wanting to talk about it. Like he would just like the issue to go away. I can’t imagine who we could talk about it with, but I have been thinking that we probably need to go to some type of relationship counselling.
Relationship counselling could be the answer. It does sound like you have both been trying everything you can between the two of you but maybe a third party could help you find a solution? If he really doesn’t ever want to have sex again then that’s not necessarily the end of your marriage but you would need help to figure out whether you would want to stay with him. There is no law says you have to have sex to have a great relationship but by the sounds of things this has formed a wedge between you and perhaps a counsellor could help the two of you untangle your “relationship” from the “sex thing” so you can both find a way through this.
I’m wondering, you say you had a certain amount of intimacy before marriage, was there a feeling like he desired you then? If so I would guess it’s something to do with his ideas about marriage. The fact that he is still using porn makes me really wonder if he’s as against sex as he says he is?
As for wanting the issue to go away. Thats just a man thing. My husband is the same, usually when there is something he’s afraid of. Men are raised to feel like being afraid is a weakness.
I do hope the pair of you can work it out.
I’ll keep watching with my fingers crossed.
x
I don’t know why girls are all so hung up on porn.
Its a normal way we guys can get over the boredom of being with just one girl. If i didnt have porn, i wouldn’t be able to stay with my girlfriend. Thats what porn is invented for.
I used to be hooked on porn too, but it is something that you can get over.
It is an addiction, and like any other addiction, it is hard to break because of the mental and physical patterns and pleasures that you have built up over time.
But he can do it.
If he really wants to.
People have recovered from alchohol adiction, herion addiction, cigarette and drug addictions. It is possible to stay clean.
Many people find that they cannot give up or do not want to give up their addictions. They just don’t want to give up, they cannot find the will or the hope of a better life that will help them escape their destructive lifestyle.
But some people can give up, and they can go on to live healthy lives addiction-free. They will sometimes be tempted, but they do not have to give in.
Porn addiction is an addiction. Treat it as such and learn to break free.