My husband doesn’t like sex
I have a feeling that my husband expected sex to be less real than it is; to be more like an airbrushed porn photo.
We went/are going through problems, like that I was very depressed on the pill so I stopped taking it, and then we had problems with condoms because I’m allergic to latex. And all the while, his anti-depressants cause him to find it very difficult to ejaculate. (Also it seems like he has had too much practice since he was a teenager ejaculating by masturbation that he finds it hard to ejaculate from intercourse.)
But even though we’ve had these problems, I’ve always felt that it’s all part of real sex. Problems with contraception and getting thrush, and having problems ejaculating are normal. I thought that since we are in a safe, loving, married relationship, we’d be in the best place to love each other and still enjoy sex even though it can have difficulties.
But I feel that instead of loving each other through these problems, my husband has just given up, been put off sex. I feel so sad, because I genuinely like having a sexual experience with my husband, but he doesn’t enjoy it because he is so worried that he isn’t ejaculating or isn’t “stiff enough” or whatever. (So worried that I think sometimes he makes it almost impossible for him to do so!)
One night we were talking about the fact that we hadn’t had sex for several weeks, and he said to me that he just doesn’t really like sex. I wish that he could feel safe enough to enjoy even our imperfect and problematic sex as made beautiful with love. I feel depressed by his disappointment at sex. And my optimism for us to be able to love each other through all our problems is waning.
I feel like I’m getting to dislike sex too.
I’m truly sorry for you and your husband. I went through this with my soon-to be ex- husband. I understand your depression regarding your husbands disappointment about your sex life. A woman longs to be desired sexually by her husband. Otherwise, it feels like rejection.
I hope that the two of you are able to work this out.
Thanks triadandtroo,
I’m sad to hear that you’ve been through similar, and are now in the process of divorcing. Sometimes I’m scared that we are heading for divorce too. I despair of me and my husband ever working it out, but long desperately to be able to work out how to love each other.
Before we were married, I never could have imagined that there would ever come a day when we didn’t feel like making love with each other.
I want to work it out, but I can’t force him to want me! And his lack of desire, and disappointment with sex really turn me off too. The trouble is that lack of intimacy seems to make our whole marriage harder, and because we are arguing a lot (sometimes about sex) it makes love making even less likely. And because we are not making love we get further apart and argue more. And the cycle continues as we get further and further apart.
i strongly believe that we approach sex in an unhealthy (and dishonest) manner. especially if you haven’t had sex before, there are a myriad of pitfalls that you won’t discover until they discover you. however, in my humble opinion, there are solutions (i do have a wealth of experience with long-term partners; and situations like this):
first of all: be kind and gentle to one another! there are no “rules” about when and where and how hard, for how long a guy needs to be. ERECTIONS COME AND GO, this is basic physiology – it’s not an indicator of his lack of interest, or an infirmity on his part. same with him achieving an orgasm (that’s going to take practice). there shouldn’t be any shame associated with these situations. IF YOU GET TOO MUCH INTO YOUR HEAD AND YOU LOCK THESE IDEAS INTO PLACE YOU MAY NEVER GET THEM OUT. so, be kind. be gentle. there is hope!
solution for a lost erection: simply pull-out, fondle him, tickle and tease him a little, all while looking lovingly in each other’s eyes and smiling. then, when he’s hard again, put him inside you. let him know that this is okay; that you are all right with what is happening. that you love him. change positions. this tends to help as well.
once again: there are no prescriptive RULES about how sexual relations are to occur. being intimate with someone is not all about intercourse. intercourse should be interspersed with masturbation, fondling, kissing, laying next to one another, laughter, oral sex and love…
don’t put pressure on one another. if you do – you may end-up spiraling down, into a unending vortex. be gentle…
masturbate together! it’s hot. it’s fun. it’s an alternative.
more foreplay, more foreplay!
porn sex is not real sex! you don’t talk to your partner like that. and you don’t cum in her face, unless she asks (seriously, most men think this is okay… maybe shoot a load of cum in their eyes to show them that it burns! and that this can be very disrespectful).
it sounds like both of you need to take a couple of steps back, pause, breathe and then come at this from a different angle.
YOU GUYS ARE NOT HOPELESS! smile and love and be kind and gentle!
i look forward to checking back in on you. be well.
You obviously know this, but I just think it should be part of the record…
I’ve been through this kind of thing with my wife, too. Do remember that, just as a woman has self-esteem / body / self-worth issues, a man does also. It’s very rare that a problem like this is purely “desire.” It’s surely tied up in his deep psychological needs. You’re right that he probably thought sex would be like a porn movie, and he’ll have to slowly find the real woman in you and the real man in himself.
I HIGHLY recommend lots of time just lying together, talking, looking at one another, with no pressure for sex, until it dawns on him that you’re self-confident enough to hang with him until he’s ready. He WILL get there. He married you for a reason. You CAN be his sex-goddess, but he’s in a dark place, and sometimes you have to fetch him out with patience.
Thanks Jameson,
you and Hope’s comments have been such an encouragement!
Thanks so much for your optimism, that’s what I really need at the moment.
Thanks Provocateur,
I totally agree with your comments! I wish that I could help my husband to feel more comfortable with that “erections come and go” as you said. I feel happy to fondle and tickle him halfway through, and I feel absolutely no disappointment, but he gets so frustrated with himself!
There comes a time in making love when I feel like he is totally not enjoying it anymore, all he is thinking about is that he is unable to ejaculate! I wish I could encourage him that it doesn’t matter to me. Because it doesn’t disappoint me, it just disappoints him.
I find it hard because I’m not at all bothered if he is taking a long time to orgasm, and I’m not bothered if he loses his erection, but he gets upset with himself. I’m actually glad that it takes him a long time! As much as I tell him this, and as much as I encourage him, his psychological expectations and disappointment with himself seems to be stronger than any encouragement I can give him!
Thanks for your comment, I totally agree. Thanks for sharing your experience.
i’m glad you read my words. seriously, there are so many alternatives and ways through this – it just needs a different perspective…
in the meantime i hope you get over to my erotica blog and read some of the hot tales i’ve cooked-up!
stay in touch. i’m very interested to hear about your progression.
lastly, does he know you have a blog about this?
i’m going through this exact thing with my boyfriend.
it hurts. your self-esteem does drop, you blame yourself and you lose your confidence, you are completely normal feeling these feelings… but you must remember he feels terrible too… and i’ll bet if he’s been able to orgasm (or if he can by himself, then it’s a mental barrier, not a physical one). drugs may also be a factor here. there’s plenty of helpful websites where you can get a better understanding of the causes.
putting pressure on him to “get help” if he hasn’t tried to get help already will probably end you up two steps backwards. trust me, you CAN’T push this, no matter how bad you feel, and i know how bad you feel. you’ll make him feel even more crappy about himself letting him know how much it downs you. he’ll feel like a failure. this is probably the only time i’ll ever advise anyone to keep it to yourself. it sounds strange, but this is the time you either be honest and hurt him even more, or you wait. there’s nothing constructive in letting him know his shortcomings make you feel dissapointed in sex. i’ll bet he’s disappointed in himself enough for the both of you.
i feel as if there’s two main options.. one is you walk and find another. do you love him and is he worth the time, patience and understanding? yes? then this was not an option for me. there is an ocean of guys out there if you need to, your options aren’t limited and you will find happiness.
second option.. you wait. the lying side by side, cuddling, and removing ALL pressure of orgasm helps. it might not seem to get you anywhere, but it will bring you closer, which is so very important here. touch him. talk to him. try to avoid the focus on sex, instead focus on showing him you love him, and that it’s alright. he’s got issues here to work out. work them out with him, but at his own pace and only if he is willing to talk. if he doesn’t want to change…. well… don’t blame yourself. those are his choices. make your own and find happiness.
for me personally… nothing’s “happened” for us yet, but i have faith. this has ended up being the most intensely loving (if not as “sexual” right now) relationship of my life. i don’t regret my choice because he is a very sweet, understanding and beautiful man. if he didn’t make me happier than i’ve ever been, i wouldn’t be here.
good luck. xo